Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] So let's talk about comparison and feeling left out. Comparison, envy and feeling left out, because this is one of the key things that trap us in this world, right?
[00:00:16] So many studies have shown the harmful effect of comparison. So, for example, when men are shown images of beautiful models. Yeah? They see like, model, model, model, after one after the other. And then they report how they feel about their own wife or partner. They consistently think that their partner is less attractive than they thought before they saw the pictures.
[00:00:42] And when women are shown images of models, they also consider themselves less attractive.
[00:00:49] Right? So in other words, the more we see images of things that are so called perfect picture, the less satisfied we feel with what we have. The same is true. If you show people pictures of houses, beautiful houses, designer houses, then people will feel depressed about their own house. If you show them images of wonderful vacation situations, oh, my God, it would be so great to go there. That's so wonderful. They feel bad about what they have now and want something else now. We live in a world where we have more stuff to enjoy than ever before.
[00:01:31] Yeah. So the average person has more things in their house, more opportunities than people in the past had, by far way more stuff. Right?
[00:01:41] However, on average, we are more depressed than in previous generations because we are comparing ourselves to others.
[00:01:54] So someone else always is having a better time than us.
[00:02:03] So even though we are blessed, all of us, in many ways, are much more blessed in terms of financial and success than previous generations. But nonetheless, compared to others, we are doing really badly.
[00:02:15] So someone else is better than us. Someone else is more attractive than us, happier than us, richer than us, more talented than us.
[00:02:23] And so that leads to comparison of ourselves versus not. Versus the past. Not looking at ourselves saying, how am I feeling in relation to what do I want? We're saying, how do I feel in relation to how others are doing? And there are two ways to compare ourselves to others. The first kind of comparison is called upwards comparison. And this is the kind of comparison that can be lethal to our well being.
[00:02:54] So upwards comparison happens when we look up to those who have what we don't have and envy them.
[00:03:03] Ah, I have a nice car, but someone else has a nicer car. Even if you bought a new car, someone else has a better car. Someone else has a better house, someone else has a better life.
[00:03:14] And this is what advertisers hope for. They purposely show us the impossible standards in the hope that we will feel dissatisfied with what we have and thereby want to buy something we don't really need, because we feel inadequate. Right?
[00:03:34] And social media is such a problem because it is ripe for endless and constant social comparison. Upwards comparison. Because we see on social media media that things are better than our life. And guess what happens? Social media, as we know, is a snapshot of reality. People only post things that are going to get likes and clicks. So people show the idealized version of their life, not the real version of their life. And so we look at these images that are like the, the perfect, so called perfect version of things, and then we feel envious, right? It's a very weird situation because social media doesn't show people's lives.
[00:04:19] It shows what they want us to think about their lives. So if someone is taking a picture of their meal, they're not going to show what they eat every day. They'll show a picture of the best meal they've had in a while and post that. Someone goes on vacation. They'll take tons of pictures, edit the pictures, show the lighting, change things so that they get the idealized image, right? So you're not seeing the real life. You're seeing thousands and now millions and now billions of profiles that are the idealized version of life. And so we look at that, and if it's better than us, then we feel that we are inadequate.
[00:05:05] So most of us do not have the same life that we post on social media, right? So the use of social media, especially Instagram and Facebook, soon creates conditions that only show us what others want us to see, the glamorized, amplified version of what happened. And Instagram, for example, is the greatest hits or the movie trailer of our lives. It cuts out all the real stuff, all the hours of sitting around on a desk doing normal things. And it shows us the highlights that we hope to get a positive response from showing others about.
[00:05:43] And so, after posting and testing things out ourselves on social media, we soon learn what works and what doesn't work, right? If you've posted on social media, you'll post a picture and you're like, how many likes did it get? Not very many. Then you post another picture and you go, oh, people like that. I'll do more of that. So we all get conditioned to do more of what gets the response and do less of what doesn't get the response, okay? More likes, more comments, more shares. So if we get ignored, we don't want to do it. If we get praised, we want to do it more.
[00:06:23] So only the things that are getting the most response. Yeah. Get shown to us. Because social media has algorithms, right? And these algorithms, computer program, they show us the things that are most popular. So what happens after time, on these different platforms is we only post the stuff that's most likely to get a response. And the stuff that gets a response is shown to us more and more often. So, in other words, we only see the most watered down version of reality. Okay, so whatever is popular, it's kind of like pop music. Yeah, most pop music, frankly, is horrible, cheesy and annoying, and it has no real quality to make people kind of like, yeah, that's nice. Catchy. Catchy. And so that's what we listen to. And the same thing happens with social media.
[00:07:21] So once we're exposed to this absurd facade of popularized bragging and blatant exaggeration in our newsfeed, we can easily become dissatisfied with our own lives. So compared to all the cool vacations and wonderful food and magical experiences others are apparently having, our lives seem pretty boring.
[00:07:45] And then we start feeling like we're missing out. We feel like we're inferior and lacking. If only I had what they had. If only I was living where they're living. If only I was looking like them, then I would be happy. Yeah. Better relationship, better place.
[00:08:04] And just ask yourself, have you ever gone on social media and felt envious of someone else?
[00:08:12] Have you ever felt like you are missing out?
[00:08:16] Have you ever felt you wish you had what they are having?
[00:08:22] That is upwards comparison in action.
[00:08:27] We look at the thing that we want and we feel bad about what we have. And the more time you spend looking at all that stuff, the more depressed you will become, right? And many people don't realize that it makes them depressed because they're not sensitive, right? Because what happens is the more we get into all this stuff, the less sensitive we become, the more numb we become. So people can't tell that they're depressed, and they become basically slaves to the system. Keep coming back for more and more and more, don't realize it's unhealthy.
[00:09:12] And if you cut down on all that social media and comparison, and instead you counted your blessings, your own blessings, then you'd feel a lot better.
[00:09:22] But social media is not designed to make us count our blessings. It's designed to make us feel inferior.
[00:09:30] So that's what upwards comparison does. We look at others like us and we say, their life is better than mine. I want it, and I feel terrible, and I need it, and my life sucks. Now there's another kind of comparison, which is called downwards comparison. And this happens when we look down at others less fortunate than ourselves and count our blessings.
[00:09:54] So we might have problems of our own. But then we say, well, at least I have two legs. Someone else, like, got killed, lost their legs, you know, at least I have a house. If someone doesn't have a house, at least I have a computer. If someone doesn't have a computer, at least I have a relationship. If someone is single, you know, at least I'm not, you know, addicted to heroin, or at least I'm not. Whatever. So we can look at others less fortunate than us and say, well, I'm so blessed compared to them. Yeah. Now, this is a healthier way to think about life. Being grateful for what you have, realizing how blessed you are and having a gratitude list, and thinking about the blessings in your life does make us feel happier. So this type of thinking can ward off the endless upwards comparison that makes us depressed. But downward comparison isn't enough. I don't think it's really enough. I think it's halfway there and it's definitely good to count our blessings. But still, we're comparing ourselves to others and we don't need to compare ourselves to others at all.
[00:11:05] So I personally feel the most effective way to live is to avoid upwards comparison and downwards comparison, and instead just be grateful for what you have for its own sake.
[00:11:21] So this is a completely different way of looking at life.
[00:11:26] So in this way, we're not happy with our life because compared to someone else, we are doing better than them. We are happy with our life because we simply acknowledge our blessings. You don't have to compare yourself to someone else to acknowledge that you're blessed. You can just look around your house and say, even if no one else existed, I would still be grateful for what I have now.
[00:11:53] So while there are millions of others who are more or less fortunate than you, that doesn't really make any difference because you are grateful, period. You're grateful. Full stop. Yeah. You're grateful because you're grateful. Yeah. It's a much more empowered way of looking at it. And what this does is it removes the external yardstick or standard of successful and puts your happiness firmly back in your court where it matters. Yeah. So you can decide what brings you joy based on what you really want. So you're thinking, what do I want? What brings me joy? Not what brings me joy compared to others, not looking at others for ideas. And, oh, they have a cool house, so I should have a cool house. They've got a different thing, so I should a different thing.
[00:12:39] That's. That's what the advertisers want you to do. So what you want to do instead is think, what do I really want? Take the time to be. To be really clear about that and then find out how blessed you already are. Because many of the things we have are already wonderful just the way they are. And we're very, very, very lucky.
[00:12:59] So this is a radical departure from the usual status game where everyone tries to find their spot on the pyramid, vying for the top spot.
[00:13:10] Society and social media is like a ranking system. How do you fit compared to other people?
[00:13:18] What we're talking about here is getting off that ranking system and instead deciding what number one means for you. What does it mean for you personally to become the best version of yourself?
[00:13:33] Reaching your own goals and dreams for their own sake. Because it's inherently enjoyable for us to expand our potential.
[00:13:45] So if you learn how to play an instrument, or if you learn how to meditate better, or if you learn how to look after your health or make nice food in and of itself, it is enjoyable. Having a good, loving relationship in and of itself is enjoyable regardless of what anyone else has or what anyone else does. Yeah.
[00:14:06] So you can reach your own goals and dreams without looking at others or judging your own value or worth.
[00:14:13] So in essence, comparing ourselves with others makes us depressed. And creating our own life on our own terms makes us happy and free.
[00:14:26] So you can give love and regard to others. May other people in your life, may other people on Facebook and on the Internet, may they be happy, may they be free, may they focus on creating a life they love.
[00:14:38] So you have good wishes for others, but you have your own life, you have your own meaning, you have your own joyous.
[00:14:48] So give up comparison and just become number one of yourself.
